yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize
