bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
