we need to drink 2009 down the drain
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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