I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
