I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
