you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
NoShamevember. You game?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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