this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
