Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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