yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
