Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Will you blow on my dice?
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
