every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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