jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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