Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
