FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I enjoy the company of your penis
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
