if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
