dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
