Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
