I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
