apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
