I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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