Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
