How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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