Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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