haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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