i permit you to call me
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
