i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
