he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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