i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
