She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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