OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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