He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
