I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
