if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
