Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
did i walk over a car last night?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
