1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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