I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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