that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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