My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
