So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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