I think I died a long time ago.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
