you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
