1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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