we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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