Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
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