where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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