have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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