a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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