got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
We're too hungover to prance.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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