A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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