I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
