Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
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