My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
