remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
i need to put some appletini on your dick
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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