really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
3 2 1 whiskey
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
