it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
