how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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